Several years ago, when I was a student at Tauernhof, one of our teachers gave us a quote - and fortunately I scribbled it down, because I have often forgotten it:
Couldst thou thyself in vision see the man God meant,
Thou never more wouldst be the man thou art content.
Aren't those words true? They are for me. And yet, so often I find myself bumbling along, foolishly ignoring that my life is not my own, that it was bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20), and that price was the blood of Jesus who laid down his life and took the penalty of my sin upon himself that through his death we all might live. It's not that the plans I have for myself are necessarily bad - just that God may have better plans for me. The Christian life is a life of submission to God and fulfillment in God. On the other hand, I have always been proud of my own self-reliance and determination. This pride was brought down not long ago by a sink full of dirty dishes. Let me tell you a bit more,
For months I have struggled with the chaos in our house - the physical, daily grind: the dishes, the laundry, the bed-making, the list could go on and on... any of you who have a baby and a toddler in your home will know just what other items could comprise the list... I can keep it clean, yes, but tidy, organized? No. My husband works at a job that he finds very satisfying and through which he feels he is able to make a valuable contribution to our community. However, it's demands on his time make the moments we are able to spend together as a family as precious as gold. Meanwhile, like an idiot, I am trying to cram fulltime stay-at-home-motherhood, fulltime-distance-MA-studenthood and very-part-time-entrepreneurship into the 24 hours of each day. I have been feeling that being a stay-at-home-mum is not really enough, that I should do something more than that, be something more than that... that that alone is not fulfilling, nor is it a job worthy of my considerable education and training... that it is a background to something more. Consequently, my husband has suggested numerous times to hire someone (not that we can afford it, but once a fortnight or so might be doable) to come in and help with the housework. I know I should jump at this - what a thoughtful offer - but I don't. Why? Pride. Foolish, foolish pride. I can do it all!
Now, the context of this struggle is deeper than the superficial manifestation of housekeeping, of course it is. I have also been attempting to play a key role in the spiritual leadship of our household. And spiritual needs must be addressed. Sadly, what I was forgetting - ignoring - was that it is not my place to meet these needs. This is God's business. We do not do for Him... He does through us. But there was a lesson to be learned - by me - and the Lord allowed me to flounder in my own folly. Like Peter as he felt the waters rising around him, I had to come to the end of my wits and from this helpless state look back to the Lord, the one I had taken my eyes off of.
At this moment, I had been standing at the kitchen sink, trying to wash the dishes - but it really wasn't about the dishes. I had come to the end of the "I can do it!" and I felt myself lowering to my knees, my heart crying out to the Lord in soundless prayer. The dishes were not the point, the point was that I needed to refocus my life, not on myself and what I can do for God - what an utterly preposterous thought! What can I do for the One who flung the stars into their place, who called the mountains from the sea? - No! Not, what I can do for God, but what He will do in and through me, if I submit myself in humility.
James 4:10 says, 'Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." I do not have to measure up to some mark that I have drawn on the wall for myself - comparing my life to others. Especially when it comes to the things of spiritual significance, what I am daily - yes, daily - learning is that I cannot on my own do anything that glorifies God, but if I allow the Spirit of the Lord to work through me, the Lord will be glorified.
Jesus, to answer a group of learned men who were questioning why he was doing what he was doing, said, "... the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does, the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does." (John 5:19 -20). Jesus was here explaining his relationship to God. But, through his death and resurrection Jesus has made it possible for us to be redeemed to God and also be called sons and daughters of God. (see Romans 8, specifically verses 16 & 17 "The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ...") Later in John's gospel, at 14:20 Jesus says, "... I am in my Father and you are in me, and I am in you." And at 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (And he goes on from there and you should open your Bible and continue reading, because it is beautiful, the promises the Lord makes to us there in those passages.)
Nevertheless, I am greatful to have the opportunity to be a mother because I have seen this relationship portrayed before me in my own life. My children reflect my behaviour. They do as they see me do, they speak as they hear me speak. But, the weight of this enormous responbility is, indeed, too much for me to bear - because alone I cannot be holy - sactimonious, ok; hypocritical, to be sure! But, I know that I must, if we are to be a household dedicated to the Lord, submit myself to him entirely! His desires must become my desires, not because what I want is wrong, but because it is selfish. What I want focuses on me, my plans, my wishes, my, my, my, me, me, me... In seeing this relationship - parent-child - from the perspective of parent, my relationship with the Lord has been deepened.
I understand now that if I go on trying to maintain our household in my own strength, I will become exhausted. Not because what I am doing is necessarily wrong, but my motivation - self-glorification ("Oh she's such a good mother... Oh, she keeps her house is so clean and spotless... so natural... so organic... and she is such a talented bla, bla, bla") is wrong. Let's take a very brief look into one of Paul's letters:
"continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in whihc you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." Philippians 2:12b-16a
We don't have to work for our salvation, but work out our salvation. I think it's important not to misread this. In whatever we are tasked to do, there is opportunity for God to be glorified through us. Yes, even in the humblest of tasks - dishes. How? God gives us salvation, just as he gives us our eyes... but it is up to us what we do with our eyes, what we look at, what we see. And we need to look to Christ! Galations 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grave of God, for if righteousness couls be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing." That bit Paul says about not setting aside grace - that is so important. God does not require us to do anything to be holy - it has already been done - through the life, death and resurrection of Christ. This grace is something to meditate upon and remember all of the time - (1 Corinthians 15:31 "I die every day...")
My children do not thank me for doing the dishes (they are 1 and 2 years old, but who knows if they will ever thank me that they had clean plates to eat off of?), my husband does not say to me, "Oh look, you've done the dishes again and what a marvelous job you've done!" Nobody notices - but God knows and he has given me this family and even in this most humble task, He can teach me, draw me closer to Himself and that is cause for great thanksgiving - for that reason my heart can swell with joy, even over a sink of dishes! God has entrusted me with the care of these precious lives and in each task, however small, I demonstrate my love for them and God.
Did we get the housekeeper? No. But, as I stood up and went back to my sink, my heart was light and the task less daunting, less of a burden. And so the dishes continue to rotate around the kitchen from cuboard to table to sink to cupboard, the clothes go from folded to filthy to folded again, the beds... oh perhaps, I don't need to mention the beds... But my joy is renewed. That desire to acheive some measure of success (some job, some title, some paycheck, some recognition) waned and I feel that this is exactly where I am meant to be and what I am meant to be doing today. I do not have to be the leader, leading my children to Christ. I have to be the follower, following Christ, allowing him to lead us to himself.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5
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